Hindsight.

Hindsight.

It is a beautiful thing. It can be a destructive thing. The stormtroopers realised they were the droids they were looking for, Alvy Singer realised he still wanted to be with Annie Hall...all too late. But because of hindsight, they could see with a new perspective. Hindsight happen in our daily lives, we look back and think, maybe I shouldn't have eaten that, or maybe I should have gotten dressed that day. Whenever I go shopping I have no sense of financial responsibility, I go home and realise that I really didn't need any of these things and need the money to pay bills. Hindsight is good for the big stuff too...I'm good at looking at my academic achievements objectively and I see the good and the bad and how it has all been meaningful, however, I just can't do this with my personal life, I just see a lot of big messy mistakes. Looking back negatively at my personal life happens to me in cycles, about 6 monthly cycles. Am I alone here? Am I the only one that thinks every friend/potential (not slayer) you let slip by could have been the bestest friend you'll ever have or your great love? 

How do we know if we have have made the right decision in letting these people leave our lives, or maybe you didn't want them to leave? Sometimes hindsight can be painful and can make you appreciate things, see how vast your feelings or someones feelings were. 

But I can't say I have a good relationship with hindsight. It comes out of the blue, a reflective day. I don't enjoy these days, they take me back to painful places that I still can't understand and they take me out of the present. I lose perspective of my present day, I think all my relationships now aren't right and I missed a chance. It becomes destructive for me, people around me suffer because for days I recoil from their friendship and affection. Days like this all start because of dreams. Hey Mrs Dream, you have a lot to answer for. I've usually had a dream about someone in my past and we are having a good time together. Last night was on a rollercoaster and we were having the best day. These dreams make me sad because I wake up and I'm not on a rollercoaster but in my own room. I then put on some music...usually Kate Nash, Bon Iver...anything to make me feel bad. I know it makes me feel bad, songs that take me back. I still do it every time. Then the cycle starts. It is so destructive for me and I can't digest it meaningfully. I try to rationalise things; it didn't work out because of this; they aren't your friend because of this; I go round in circles until I come to the conclusion that it was my fault and that they should be in my present. This is where my current relationships suffer, I push friends away. I shut down.

Maybe I am just in that position in my life where I did mess things up and I'm learning from it? Or will I forever go through this? Will my future husband suffer for every almost relationship I had? My friendships that don't exist yet, will they suffer for previous friends mistake? Making hindsight meaningful is hard. But today when I woke up much the same like many a'morning I decided HINDSIGHT...I'm not your bitch! I looked at the wonderful people that are in my life this morning and felt happy. 

In case you were wondering here is a sample of a hindsight top 5 playlist (you won't be surprised by number 1, however, it isn't Usher Confessions, sadly) that bring me great destruction:

Number 5: Birdy - I'll Never Forget You

Number 4: Sleeping at Last - Turning Pages. (Yeah it is from Twilight and what?)

Number 3: Bon Iver - Creature Fear.

                                           Number 2: Disclosure - Latch. 

Number 1: Bon Iver - I Can't Make You Love Me/Love in the Nick of Time.

Is saying no to size zero fair?

So I've been thinking more and more recently about the way women talk about each other and to each other about weight...generally it isn't very nice! It got me thinking about the 'Say No to Size Zero' campaign...isn't that a little unfair? What about women that are really skinny and that is just the way they are? Or people that are ill? And people that starve themselves, we should try and be as compassionate as we can, it is a huge cry for help not a cry for a whole campaign saying NO to the way a woman looks. 

This picture and quote below makes me incredibly uncomfortable...isn't that kinda say size 0 is ugly? Society IS ugly that's for sure...but I'm not sure the Size Zero Campaign is the right thing to make society better. We're once again telling someone the way they look is wrong.

Don't get me wrong - these teeny tiny  skinny models aren't the best role models for the younger generation, but neither is telling them to say no to the way anyone looks. We should be encouraging them to look at what is healthy and wholesome. I can't help but feel really uncomfortable about the size zero campaign, if someone started a 'say no to size 12 campaign' because they think that is unhealthy a huge portion of the population of women would speak up and say 'I'm healthy!' but size zero is a minority. I agree, I don't think you can be a size zero and really really healthy, but some people are. So what if they look really skinny? How an earth does that effect your day? 

Women need to start looking at other women as equals because I don't think we're there yet, especially when pages like this exist: 

http://www.celebitchy.com/ 

This website has a section called 'weight gain'. It makes me furious that women talk about each like this. For example, all over the newspapers and magazine is how fat Kim Kardashian looks...isn't she PREGNANT? How dare we say that she is too fat, are you a doctor? No? Then we'll leave it to them. So what she got pictured eating an ice cream, she probably has an extremely balanced diet, an ice cream is not the end of the world. 

Women standing up for other women is empowering and here is how you can do it:

- Ditch the trashy magazines and websites. By buying them or going on those websites you add to the hits their getting = more money = more bitching.

- If your friend is judging someone on the street, a random stranger they don't even know, call them out for it! Say 'hey, are you perfect?' 

- Choose to see the positive in one another. This isn't just for women but men too. It is an empowering thing to do. Block that negative thought and think about how good that woman looks in that dress instead of how bad those shoes are...

- Delete and unfollow all those facebook and twitter pages that are about pointing out people for their flaws. They are awful...imagine finding a picture of you on there? I'd be mortified and my confidence would be obliterated. 

- If someone you know looks like they're starting to look really unhealthy, use your digression to ask them about it, make sure they know you are there for them. In the society that we need to live in, women need to know they have someone looking out for them and not judging them for their recent weight gain/loss. 

So make a change now and starting by SUPPORTING other women instead of belittling each other! It is the best thing you will do all year...trust me!

Being a Buffy fangirl

Being a Buffy fangirl for the most is awesome...but there are times when people are like 'you still watch Buffy and Sabrina the Teenage Witch?' with a look on their face that I can only interpret as pity. And I usually respond with an overly-excited 'YEAH!' and further embarrass myself. But I do still watch Buffy, A LOT. I love it so much, everything I know I learnt from Buffy the Vampre Slayer...

1). Buffy the Vampire Slayer taught me that being popular isn't always cool. I learnt this in series one. Cordelia tries to get Buffy in with the popular girls and Buffy just is not having any of it. She sees the true awesomeness of Xander and Willow. Cordelia also ends up being part of the scooby gang eventually and loses her popular status...making her cool. This is such an important lesson we should teach kids; being popular is not everything! 

2). I wear the cheese. The cheese does not wear me. Being cheesy = good. I went through a phase pretending I did not like cheesy things (and I don't mean foodie cheese because I have always loved that) like chat up lines, cheesy jokes, cheesy tv series and so on...but I was lying to myself. I LOVE THEM! Buffy has your daily intake of cheesy lines especially when she is about to kick some underground butt. My favourite is when she tells the Master he has fruit punch mouth. 

3). The British jokes. I love seeing how Americans interpret us Brits. It makes me laugh so much and Joss Whedon does it well. My favourite episode is 'Tubula Rasa' and this is because it is THE funniest (and saddest at the end) episode. Spike (a bad vampire turned good) and the scooby gang lose their memory and Spike doesn't realise he is British and when he does: 

            'Bloody hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks... Oh God, I'm English'
                'Welcome to the Nancy tribe' 

Another great one from Buffy herself is: 

         'I know this one. Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, biddie blah, I'm so stuffy give me a scone.'

This taught me to totally embrace the British jokes and learn to laugh at myself. 

4). Some people are gay, get over it! Any Buffy fan will remember the day that Willow and Tara started to fall in love. They are one of the SWEETEST couples you will ever see. Willow was still awesome even though she was gay, I learnt that sexual orientation had nothing to do with your awesomeness! Willow was and is one of my favourite characters, I love her for being a nerd, being super quirky and dressing in some rad 90s clothes. 

5). Sometimes we all do bad things but your best friends will always forgive you and help you. Buffy taught me that we all do doosh bag stuff sometimes! Buffy has done MANY bad things and think I remember liking her the least when she went all weird and tried leading Xander on. She went a bit cray but everyone forgave her and knew that wasn't their real friend! Willow tried to end the world...but her friends stood by her. I'm not planning on ending the world any time soon but I know my best of buds will always love me anyway. 

Buffy the Vampire Slayer mainly taught me everything. It taught me that even if you save a banker from a demon, he still won't give you that bank loan; that dating an older guy really isn't all it has cracked up to be; I don't really have the weight of the world on my shoulders; all good people make mistakes too and I am one of them! 

So call me a nerd or cringe at the thought of me still crying when Buffy has to kill Angel or dies because I stand up strong and unite with my fellow Whedon fans and say to you...Buffy taught me life skills and everything I need to know.