Saturday, 29 June 2013



It is a beautiful thing. It can be a destructive thing. The stormtroopers realised they were the droids they were looking for, Alvy Singer realised he still wanted to be with Annie Hall...all too late. But because of hindsight, they could see with a new perspective. Hindsight happen in our daily lives, we look back and think, maybe I shouldn't have eaten that, or maybe I should have gotten dressed that day. Whenever I go shopping I have no sense of financial responsibility, I go home and realise that I really didn't need any of these things and need the money to pay bills. Hindsight is good for the big stuff too...I'm good at looking at my academic achievements objectively and I see the good and the bad and how it has all been meaningful, however, I just can't do this with my personal life, I just see a lot of big messy mistakes. Looking back negatively at my personal life happens to me in cycles, about 6 monthly cycles. Am I alone here? Am I the only one that thinks every friend/potential (not slayer) you let slip by could have been the bestest friend you'll ever have or your great love? 

How do we know if we have have made the right decision in letting these people leave our lives, or maybe you didn't want them to leave? Sometimes hindsight can be painful and can make you appreciate things, see how vast your feelings or someones feelings were. 

But I can't say I have a good relationship with hindsight. It comes out of the blue, a reflective day. I don't enjoy these days, they take me back to painful places that I still can't understand and they take me out of the present. I lose perspective of my present day, I think all my relationships now aren't right and I missed a chance. It becomes destructive for me, people around me suffer because for days I recoil from their friendship and affection. Days like this all start because of dreams. Hey Mrs Dream, you have a lot to answer for. I've usually had a dream about someone in my past and we are having a good time together. Last night was on a rollercoaster and we were having the best day. These dreams make me sad because I wake up and I'm not on a rollercoaster but in my own room. I then put on some music...usually Kate Nash, Bon Iver...anything to make me feel bad. I know it makes me feel bad, songs that take me back. I still do it every time. Then the cycle starts. It is so destructive for me and I can't digest it meaningfully. I try to rationalise things; it didn't work out because of this; they aren't your friend because of this; I go round in circles until I come to the conclusion that it was my fault and that they should be in my present. This is where my current relationships suffer, I push friends away. I shut down.

Maybe I am just in that position in my life where I did mess things up and I'm learning from it? Or will I forever go through this? Will my future husband suffer for every almost relationship I had? My friendships that don't exist yet, will they suffer for previous friends mistake? Making hindsight meaningful is hard. But today when I woke up much the same like many a'morning I decided HINDSIGHT...I'm not your bitch! I looked at the wonderful people that are in my life this morning and felt happy. 

In case you were wondering here is a sample of a hindsight top 5 playlist (you won't be surprised by number 1, however, it isn't Usher Confessions, sadly) that bring me great destruction:

Number 5: Birdy - I'll Never Forget You

Number 4: Sleeping at Last - Turning Pages. (Yeah it is from Twilight and what?)

Number 3: Bon Iver - Creature Fear.

                                           Number 2: Disclosure - Latch. 

Number 1: Bon Iver - I Can't Make You Love Me/Love in the Nick of Time.